forget love

audiotheory @ 2005-03-22T16:16:00

2005-03-23T00:17:08Z

me being me, I got a new livejournal.
heartonsale
and it has to last atleast two months, because that's how long I bought it for :)

audiotheory @ 2005-03-22T13:00:00

2005-03-22T21:06:18Z

Today is very simply going to suck. I can just tell. Yeah.

I really need to start taking pictures again, I miss how mad I would get when my camera ran out of batteries.

Oh, Claire (morbidfallout_) is spending the night I think, but I don't really know because it was more of a "k i'm spending the night tomorrow" "k, whatev" thing than some huge planned out bonanza.

No idea how that's gonna go over, though, since we nearly slit eachothers throats whenever we talk. I think I'm kind of that go-to person when people want to get out of there house. Or maybe people just love to bask in my presence? Ugh.

I don't even like being around people right now, why the hell am I inviting them over?

What a boring entry.

is it worth it? am i worth it?

2005-03-22T04:09:22Z

Okay, so,

never tell your youngest brother (who talks alot) that the only reason you're going to VBS is because there are hot guys, the result is not a good one.

do not stand on your spinny office chair to turn your ceiling fan

the stupid fucking mosquito that keeps buzzing around my head will NOT die, so I might as well let it fly into a lightbulb.

refusing to think of someone is a good way to stop missing them until something reminds you of them and puts you right back in the shitter. it's better to just miss them.

mother's can not be best friends for the simple reason they will tell it like the odds would suggest.

morbidfallout_ is not the person to go to for optimism.

_acidstar is.

stale grahmcrackers are really gross.

so is parent-inforced brocolli without butter.

telling Sarah you're going to stay up all night when you know you wont is just downright dumb.

it's not like I am weak,
or that I don't know how to leave
it's just that every time you cheat,
you bring me closer to defeat
until there's nothing left to love,
until there's nothing left to say,
I know that you need help,
but even I can't save you from yourself

audiotheory @ 2005-03-20T20:02:00

2005-03-21T04:07:06Z

Dear Livejournal,

Why, dearest, do you continue to spaz out when I visit you? Have I don't something wrong? Have I hurt you somehow? Aren't you feeling well? Would you like me to nurse you back to health?

Love always,
Callie

P.S. My day pretty much sucked except for the comments on the last entry & talking to Chris. You guys made my day. I wont be around tomorrow morning (hey, lets hear some props, I'm getting a life) because I'm going to Vacation Bible Study (nevermind). Here's hoping the guys are as hot as my Dad said they were (have I somewhat redeemed myself?). Then again, this IS my Dad's opinion we're talking about.

I really wish I had gotten to talk to you, but you insist on coming online at ungodly hours. Mom says you've gotten a life and don't find me interesting anymore. She says you're avoiding me and you've probably got a girlfriend & a new car, too.

I think I might leave my messengers on all night.

audiotheory @ 2005-03-20T10:00:00

2005-03-20T18:00:20Z

Okay guys,
tell me something I don't know.

audiotheory @ 2005-03-19T12:03:00

2005-03-19T20:07:40Z

I got sucked into a lovestory on TV & completely ignored the computer. So if you were IMing me, sorry.

The entire movie was about soulmates & giving up everything for eachother. My sleeves are soaked because I was crying so much. It was called, erm.. What Dreams May Come.

Hah, yeah noone cares.

audiotheory @ 2005-03-17T18:52:00

2005-03-18T02:53:14Z

Have I told you lately that I love you?

audiotheory @ 2005-03-16T21:13:00

2005-03-17T05:27:32Z

I've realized that emotions are funny.

You can be positive of the emotion your feeling, and yet your output is so different from what you mean to say. I can be bawling my eyes out, and the only thing I really want is someone to talk to - but I won't ask for it. I will do the exact opposite. My sadness is expressed as anger, I push people away. This is not to say that when I am sad I want to talk to you, but it's nice to have someone sit next to you, even if a word is not exchanged.

When I get nervous, the output is to be absofuckinglutely annoying. Example? When Mark comes online, which I usually have anticipated since our last conversation, I get nervous. Why? He's not scary (usually), but that entire week of thinking of conversations besides the weather builds up, and I no longer know what to say. So my mind races and I think of absurd things to say, things even I don't care about.

Hey, did you know schizophrenia strikes most often between 15 and 21?

When I feel empty, or as if something is missing, my natural inclination is to give. I still haven't figured this one out, it doesn't help, it's not like you can actually GIVE anything when you're empty, but I try anyway. The failing miserably part makes it worse. Everything escalates to a new heightened emotion.

I never know what to say anymore. I can't have a decent conversation with fucking ANYBODY. Maybe Chris. Probably only Chris.

It seems the idea of talking about stars or dreams or ideals or memories, or fucking ANYTHING that involves some thought or emotion is beyond all human comprehension lately. Everything has to be complaining or a plea for advice, or humor or sarcasm. I want to know how YOU feel, about me, about you, about the dog, about the computer, about the music you're listening to. Give me something REAL, like you used to. Tell me if you still feel the same you did months ago. Tell me what I'm doing wrong. What I'm doing right. Don't ask me how my day was, I don't care and you don't care and neither of us gives a flying fuck, all we reply with is "pretty good" - no one elaborates, it's pointless.

But don't talk about the fucking weather.

Everything reminded me of you.

Everything.

audiotheory @ 2005-03-15T15:11:00

2005-03-15T23:13:26Z

haha.
i got out in the second round.
"rutabaga"
IT SHOULD BE SPELLED "RUTABEGA" OKAY???

audiotheory @ 2005-03-14T06:43:00

2005-03-14T14:45:05Z

I won't be home until Tuesday Night/Wednesday Morning
I'm going into San Diego for the Spelling Bee.
So yeah.

If you go to here, though, you can text me & if you say who you are & give me your number I could probably call you.

Unless I'm IN the actual spelling bee at that moment. But I doubt it.

But yeah.. otherwise.

audiotheory @ 2005-03-12T17:06:00

2005-03-13T01:06:27Z

it was supposed to be dark brown
but it turned out to be really really really dark brown
like black.
so yeah.
i like it.

go join this super awesome community.
disco____sex

audiotheory @ 2005-03-11T17:14:00

2005-03-12T01:16:24Z

I just made Claire laugh while drinking soda twice.
& it came out her nose.
& then she nearly puked.
& now she's coughing like she's got larengitis.
& she nearly pissed herself.
& she started crying.

SUCCESS!

audiotheory @ 2005-03-10T17:33:00

2005-03-11T01:34:51Z

sucky day.
but best moment ever.
sarah called me & we talked and I told her I was in a bad mood.
so she said, 'you know, Mark called me last night'
'what?'
'yeah, at 1am, and the first thing he said was "how does it feel?", and then he asked for you'

best moment ever.

now back to my nap.

audiotheory @ 2005-03-09T20:41:00

2005-03-10T04:43:20Z

I passed out for three hours. & nobody really noticed until I stumbled out of my room (for reasons I really can't remember) and passed out on the couch.

ah the joy of dehydration.

and what the fuck is up with it being 80F outside but seeing snow on the mountains in the distance?

audiotheory @ 2005-03-08T17:41:00

2005-03-09T01:45:46Z

I got voted best personality at school.
wtf?

audiotheory @ 2005-03-06T22:15:00

2005-03-07T06:16:22Z

new layout! audiotheory
I'm procrastinating.

audiotheory @ 2005-03-05T13:30:00

2005-03-05T21:31:15Z

Sarah & Tiff really know how to make me loosen up.
THANK YOU, GUYS, BEST WEEKEND EVER.

but alas, now I am exhausted.

audiotheory @ 2005-03-02T18:14:00

2005-03-03T02:16:52Z

I need some good new CDs/songs.. I'm completely fed up with my music right now.

Only requirements:

Not too much screaming.. definately not through the entire thing.

If it sounds like gypsy music.. just.. no.

Or, if anyone wants to send me a CD through AIM I'd love them forever :)

audiotheory @ 2005-03-01T15:30:00

2005-03-01T23:32:37Z

I had to sing in drama today.

yuck.

& someone was smoking on a bus, so I ~~smeel~~ smell (haha, smeel) like cigarrette smoke. well that, and someone was burning brush.

the internet's, like.. died. or something. seriously. no comments, no emails, no IMs.

did everyone get lives and just completely forget to tell me?

if so, where can I get one?

audiotheory @ 2005-02-26T17:10:00

2005-02-27T01:13:34Z

What an incredibly boring day.

Seriously, I made a cake (which was good but too sugary and now I feel really fat), that friend collage, I cleaned my room, I excercised, I watched three hours of America's Next Top Model, took pictures for my Mom's business... WHERE THE FUCK IS EVERYONE? I feel like I'm homeschooled again. Nobody's online.

Now I have to find more to do.

audiotheory @ 2005-02-25T16:33:00

2005-02-26T00:44:08Z

playing outside during drama class, because mrs. vc was late. we're the only ones who got to.

After school I helped Larry with his Algebra & we hung out at the coffee shop.
On our way there, it was hailing and raining really hard.
The thunder & lightning started once we got inside.
I really want someone to talk to.

"tell me you've had trouble sleeping / that you toss and turn from side to side / that it's my face you've been seeing / in your dreams at night / tell me that you wake up crying / and you're not sure exactly why / tell me that something is missing / in your life / tell me that you live for love / that forever is never enough / that you've waited all your life to see / that you want so badly to believe / tell me that it's not just me."

audiotheory @ 2005-02-23T17:42:00

2005-02-24T01:44:07Z

rofl. "As Long as We Beat The English" - Stereophonics.
Mark sent it to me ages ago.

Decent day. My camera's broken though. My Mom's taking it into exchange it tomorrow. :)

I can't believe the week is already half over.

Yuck. I need a shower.

audiotheory @ 2005-02-22T20:58:00

2005-02-23T05:00:13Z

I could make an honest, heart-felt entry on all the emotions I'm feeling right now...

OR, I could tell you that Constantine on American Idol is a hottie, that I'd do him, and go on my merry way.

Constantine on American Idol is a hottie, I'd do him.